You are a curious creature, one in which I would care to get to know better.

I am not ready for love. But I am ready for fun. and for friends, and when I least expect it...that when it always seems to strike.

We push overselves over the edge, back into the pain. We push because we want to feel, we want the familiarity and we want to know we're still who we were. The hurt keeps us together, it reminds of what we had in that foreign moment and what could have been. The luring comfort of my pain is what takes us under. We could easily cast it out, and busy our minds with other pleasantries, yet we want the heartache. We want the real. We want to know we truly felt something even if it wouldn't last the year. It could never last the year... The pain marks us, because at least we can pin point a time in which we had something dear enough to scar, to cause hurt, and to leave us different than before.

You left me different than before. You loved me. And I did you. it was silly to think overwise. Not saying our love should have lasted longer, oh darling it ran its course, but the air of it all, of our life, was still heavy with our tensions and with our heat. We'll both find another, but you will always be my first, and w

We're done for good.

I thought this would be the best for the both for us, and I think maybe it is. but Its hard. i feel like I'll never be loved again. I know its silly and I know I shouldnt think this way, but the thoughts and the aching is still there.I pray it will go away and I'll learn to be content with myself, not needing the resurance.

Buts more than that too. I lost my best friend. That's honestly the hardest part. I lost a person that cared about me and wanted the best for me, and was my own personal cheerleader. and understood me.

We're both hurting. I hope he understands I only wanted the best for the both of us.

Love sucks

It seems I only write when I'm sad.

Or on the break of it.

Do you miss me

Why would you

What is this we're doing here

Its breaking down down down.

We have tiny moments, but I cant live on those.

Im hungry for life, i'm starving.

I need more.

No Apaguez La Luz

So here’s the truth.

I do miss you, and it’d be silly for me to think otherwise.
You were a great friend.
But, now its come to this.

I know by your photographs, monthly texts
and I can only guess at the life you now have.

I’m not upset. These things happen all the time.
We were put in each others lives for a certain time
And that time was really fanstastic.

But now? Now our timing isn’t matched and our friendship wouldn’t be quite right.
The friendship we would couldn’t give justice to the friendship we had then.

So I’ll just remember us for what we were, and be content
Not to taint the memory of it all.

A funny thing happens when you get punched in the gut.

You're in sensory overload, you're not sure what to do or how to feel.

Today God gave me a pretty good punch.I've been pretty up&down lately. Mostly up, but when its down, its kinda dooown. People have been asking what I'm going to do with a communication degree, and I have ideas...but I dont really know. I thought I knew, but no one really knows, and yesterday really through me for a loop.

Yesterday I volunteered at this after school program for the kids who lived at this place called Restoration Urban Ministries. It's the only place in town, or anywhere near here, that houses entire homeless families. They keep the family together, which is a pretty great thing and hard to do. So it was my first day actively working with the kids. The kids there can be a little rough, but its completely understandable when you look at where they are in their life.

I worked with this one girl, Melanie. And loooong story short... I made her cry. She couldn't spell the word "because" and I was helping her sound it out, but she got the "u" and the "a" mixed up. She got discouraged, stopped completely and soon small silent tears ran down her face. She was embarrassed. Embarrassed she wasn't smart enough to know that word, embarrassed she was crying. She was hurt, destroyed...and I did that. She wouldn't talk for the next few minutes and finally I got her to stop crying, and eventually to start smiling and laughing (alittle) again...but her tears destroyed me.

I know it wasnt completely my fault, I know she was probably upset with some other things and spelling isn't the only problem she has in her world, that's naive of me to think so. However, I still made a SIX YEAR OLD CRY. I thought I was good with kids. I feel so passionate about these little boogers that no one loves, or that aren't loved enough. I HURT inside when I see someone without a daddy as great as mine. I wish they could spend one day in my shoes, to feel the love I feel. I want to devote my life to them, and to make one of them cry?!...on my first day...!!! What is God doing to me?

But God loves me so much. My Family loves me so much. I have too many close friends, its not even fair. My life is filled with love, and I thought I didn't know what to do with it...

Like I said earlier, God gave me a punch in the gut. I've been up and down these past few days, and I wasn't going to go to Axiom (my second home/campus ministry) but I knew it would do me good. Everything about Axiom tonight...God meant it for me(and I'm sure others too). But everything fit so well....

God isn't going to give me a map of my life. He'll send me direction, and its my choice to act out on my faith. I know I love people, and want to share the love that I was raised in to those who don't know it. It's going to be hard. It's going to suck sometimes and Ill probably make more kids cry...but I'll make em laugh too. It wont be easy, Jesus said that...We know what we're getting ourselves into. We will be blessed though, and we'll have the greatest Lover on our side.

Tonight we found out our mission trip is to Romania. I've never physically been there, but my friends have as well as my heart. I ACHE for those children. My entire body hurts, when I hear their stories and see their dirty faces and soiled clothes and unloved persons.

I could love them. God gave me too much love to hold in this tiny heart of mine. He gave my parents too much love to pour onto me when I was raised...for me to hold it in.

So,I don't know where I'll be...but I know what I'll be doing and I'll be ready for God to send me wherever He calls.

He loves us all so much. We can sit on the sidelines and let that love die out.

Out on the tree branch

beneath the leaves

its where you found me.

Under the streetlight

and next to the porch swing

its where I found you.

Welcome back....hellloooo

Welcome back....come hooooome

to me.

Down the dead grass

I listen to years past

there go the stories

Open and closing

it flows like a hot spring

that wont run dry

Welcome back....hellloooo

Welcome back....come hooooome

to me.

Even with the skyline

dancing in time

to song in our heads