You're in sensory overload, you're not sure what to do or how to feel.
Today God gave me a pretty good punch.I've been pretty up&down lately. Mostly up, but when its down, its kinda dooown. People have been asking what I'm going to do with a communication degree, and I have ideas...but I dont really know. I thought I knew, but no one really knows, and yesterday really through me for a loop.
Yesterday I volunteered at this after school program for the kids who lived at this place called Restoration Urban Ministries. It's the only place in town, or anywhere near here, that houses entire homeless families. They keep the family together, which is a pretty great thing and hard to do. So it was my first day actively working with the kids. The kids there can be a little rough, but its completely understandable when you look at where they are in their life.
I worked with this one girl, Melanie. And loooong story short... I made her cry. She couldn't spell the word "because" and I was helping her sound it out, but she got the "u" and the "a" mixed up. She got discouraged, stopped completely and soon small silent tears ran down her face. She was embarrassed. Embarrassed she wasn't smart enough to know that word, embarrassed she was crying. She was hurt, destroyed...and I did that. She wouldn't talk for the next few minutes and finally I got her to stop crying, and eventually to start smiling and laughing (alittle) again...but her tears destroyed me.
I know it wasnt completely my fault, I know she was probably upset with some other things and spelling isn't the only problem she has in her world, that's naive of me to think so. However, I still made a SIX YEAR OLD CRY. I thought I was good with kids. I feel so passionate about these little boogers that no one loves, or that aren't loved enough. I HURT inside when I see someone without a daddy as great as mine. I wish they could spend one day in my shoes, to feel the love I feel. I want to devote my life to them, and to make one of them cry?!...on my first day...!!! What is God doing to me?
But God loves me so much. My Family loves me so much. I have too many close friends, its not even fair. My life is filled with love, and I thought I didn't know what to do with it...
Like I said earlier, God gave me a punch in the gut. I've been up and down these past few days, and I wasn't going to go to Axiom (my second home/campus ministry) but I knew it would do me good. Everything about Axiom tonight...God meant it for me(and I'm sure others too). But everything fit so well....
God isn't going to give me a map of my life. He'll send me direction, and its my choice to act out on my faith. I know I love people, and want to share the love that I was raised in to those who don't know it. It's going to be hard. It's going to suck sometimes and Ill probably make more kids cry...but I'll make em laugh too. It wont be easy, Jesus said that...We know what we're getting ourselves into. We will be blessed though, and we'll have the greatest Lover on our side.
Tonight we found out our mission trip is to Romania. I've never physically been there, but my friends have as well as my heart. I ACHE for those children. My entire body hurts, when I hear their stories and see their dirty faces and soiled clothes and unloved persons.
I could love them. God gave me too much love to hold in this tiny heart of mine. He gave my parents too much love to pour onto me when I was raised...for me to hold it in.
So,I don't know where I'll be...but I know what I'll be doing and I'll be ready for God to send me wherever He calls.
He loves us all so much. We can sit on the sidelines and let that love die out.
