No Apaguez La Luz

So here’s the truth.

I do miss you, and it’d be silly for me to think otherwise.
You were a great friend.
But, now its come to this.

I know by your photographs, monthly texts
and I can only guess at the life you now have.

I’m not upset. These things happen all the time.
We were put in each others lives for a certain time
And that time was really fanstastic.

But now? Now our timing isn’t matched and our friendship wouldn’t be quite right.
The friendship we would couldn’t give justice to the friendship we had then.

So I’ll just remember us for what we were, and be content
Not to taint the memory of it all.

A funny thing happens when you get punched in the gut.

You're in sensory overload, you're not sure what to do or how to feel.

Today God gave me a pretty good punch.I've been pretty up&down lately. Mostly up, but when its down, its kinda dooown. People have been asking what I'm going to do with a communication degree, and I have ideas...but I dont really know. I thought I knew, but no one really knows, and yesterday really through me for a loop.

Yesterday I volunteered at this after school program for the kids who lived at this place called Restoration Urban Ministries. It's the only place in town, or anywhere near here, that houses entire homeless families. They keep the family together, which is a pretty great thing and hard to do. So it was my first day actively working with the kids. The kids there can be a little rough, but its completely understandable when you look at where they are in their life.

I worked with this one girl, Melanie. And loooong story short... I made her cry. She couldn't spell the word "because" and I was helping her sound it out, but she got the "u" and the "a" mixed up. She got discouraged, stopped completely and soon small silent tears ran down her face. She was embarrassed. Embarrassed she wasn't smart enough to know that word, embarrassed she was crying. She was hurt, destroyed...and I did that. She wouldn't talk for the next few minutes and finally I got her to stop crying, and eventually to start smiling and laughing (alittle) again...but her tears destroyed me.

I know it wasnt completely my fault, I know she was probably upset with some other things and spelling isn't the only problem she has in her world, that's naive of me to think so. However, I still made a SIX YEAR OLD CRY. I thought I was good with kids. I feel so passionate about these little boogers that no one loves, or that aren't loved enough. I HURT inside when I see someone without a daddy as great as mine. I wish they could spend one day in my shoes, to feel the love I feel. I want to devote my life to them, and to make one of them cry?!...on my first day...!!! What is God doing to me?

But God loves me so much. My Family loves me so much. I have too many close friends, its not even fair. My life is filled with love, and I thought I didn't know what to do with it...

Like I said earlier, God gave me a punch in the gut. I've been up and down these past few days, and I wasn't going to go to Axiom (my second home/campus ministry) but I knew it would do me good. Everything about Axiom tonight...God meant it for me(and I'm sure others too). But everything fit so well....

God isn't going to give me a map of my life. He'll send me direction, and its my choice to act out on my faith. I know I love people, and want to share the love that I was raised in to those who don't know it. It's going to be hard. It's going to suck sometimes and Ill probably make more kids cry...but I'll make em laugh too. It wont be easy, Jesus said that...We know what we're getting ourselves into. We will be blessed though, and we'll have the greatest Lover on our side.

Tonight we found out our mission trip is to Romania. I've never physically been there, but my friends have as well as my heart. I ACHE for those children. My entire body hurts, when I hear their stories and see their dirty faces and soiled clothes and unloved persons.

I could love them. God gave me too much love to hold in this tiny heart of mine. He gave my parents too much love to pour onto me when I was raised...for me to hold it in.

So,I don't know where I'll be...but I know what I'll be doing and I'll be ready for God to send me wherever He calls.

He loves us all so much. We can sit on the sidelines and let that love die out.

Out on the tree branch

beneath the leaves

its where you found me.

Under the streetlight

and next to the porch swing

its where I found you.

Welcome back....hellloooo

Welcome back....come hooooome

to me.

Down the dead grass

I listen to years past

there go the stories

Open and closing

it flows like a hot spring

that wont run dry

Welcome back....hellloooo

Welcome back....come hooooome

to me.

Even with the skyline

dancing in time

to song in our heads

Counter tops, and the wet green grass
is where you used to take me
But nothings the same as it used to be.

I crossed you once
I crossed you twice
I told you little white lies, lies, lies.
Not that I knew, at the time.

I cried my tears, I reliquished my pride
I gave it up
to be my your side
to hold your hand
to hold your head
to share my secrets
to share your bed.

And when we’ve gone grey and grown old
and when we wrinkle and our skin folds
and all our earthly teasures have been sold
and all our good stories hundreds of times told.

I’ll stand on my tip toes look up at you,
tittering and tottering, with eyes like new
smirking, at how we came to be,
and how you stole my heart from me

Vacant till you come home.

Sit on my couch

Drink up my tea

Long as you're here

Sitting next to me

Hold my head, lay

My hands on your chest

Hug me tight, let

Our tired hearts rest

Trace my skin

Whispering your memories

Silent smirking and

Murmuring sweet melodies.

Sit on my couch

Drink up my tea

Long as you're here

Sitting next to me

Silly Things I Really Dislike

Fbook chat

Voicemail

Phones on "silent"

Being forgetful

Broken ends/dead ends (hair)

Tags sticking out

Someone not letting me crack my knuckles/every other part of my body.

(more to come)

Hey there Mr. Ellie Fhant.

come take a seat next to me.

I know you're standing in the room

And easy enough to see

So pull up a chair

and pour yourself a cup

They'll ignore your company

over-chatting as a cover up

I can hear you stomping

I can feel your weight

I can see you grinning

I know our fate

Mr. Ellie Fhant.

You're THE elephant

standing in the room.

Mr. Ellie Fhant

You're the main event

They'll have to acknowledge you soon.

Its a scary thing when you're not the only person.

There's so much potential.

for everything.

for anything.

exhilarating

or

crippling

never meeting eyes.

my lips are spitting lies

youre within arms reach.

but our heads are miles apart.

I stick out my hand

to give you back your heart.

----------

lies buzzing around

like pesky little bees

they will make us fall

bring us crashing to our knees

lies buzzing around

like busy little bees

they sting our eyes, blinding

oh keep blinding, please please please.

Stuck

Its like a record.

There's a playlist, but all the songs are the same.

Its just long enough, that you think the songs are new, and that youve never heard them before

youve never felt them before.

But then you realize you're on a loop

And the records haven't been swapped.

Oh no...you're stuck on repeat.

It's a cycle.

I bring myself back to track one

again and again and again.

I keep thinking, maybe if I listen to it

one more time the words will change

If I sing along with it one more time

a new one will come along after.

No...not right now at least.

Maybe an alternative copy will surface one day.

Maybe the B side will make an appearance.

But for now.

The one sided playlist is all I got.

There's alot of things ahead of me.

Alot of choices I can make.

I hate to see where it all leads

And to create newest my mistake.

Catch 22, Here am I

I thought I'd be done with you

Catch 22, youre telling name

always, always rings true.

No body knows where they might end up, nobody knows.

I'm walking down a crooked path, with sticks and stumps

and fallen trees and decaying leaves.

I'm ending lives as I linger by

I've lost confidence in my stride

Im slowly leaving behind,

and gaining separate pride.

I started questioning and look where I am?

Im upset, Im unsure, Im broken, Im damned.

I've left you in the same situation as me

Im selfish and Im wrong, And this I finally see.

But is that enough to change me?

From from what I was

to who I am, to what I want to be?

I dont know

I wake up every morning to a sleepy dream

And its hazy hazy hazy.

Im delusional to think its reality.

I guess this worlds got the best of me.

Hop in the car, fill up the 20 gallon tank.

Hit Highway 78 and see where it takes.

I'll roll my window down and let my hair lose

I throw the dice, and see where it'll choose.

Lets leave this place and forget our names

Have a drink and take the blame

It doesnt matter now, we're gone anyways

These are our youthful, dying days.

Feel the goosebumps, rise to the surface of your skin

Let the taste of ambiguity sink in

This is our night, this is our way

Dont leave me fleeting feeling, i pray

Please oh please keep your promise

to me.

just this once.

And I wont make a fuss.

Please oh please.

Say you'll stay.

Funny how things change. How plans shift once another shows up. their presence takes over, it always does. But you know better. You should know where you stand darling, one spot behind, nicely out of sight. Its okay sweetie you weren't meant for the spotlight anyways.

It tied my stomach in knots and nots.

Put on my holey socks, my holey socks.

My knees they rattled and shook and quaked.

Put on my dirty jeans, my dirty jeans.

My eyes turned to facets and my body its drain.

Put on my raining boots, my raining boots.

My breath became shallow and hot, it stank.

Put on my tear stained scarf, my stained scarf.

Today was over, before the sun woke up.

Put on my crooked smile, my crooked smile.

Today was over, the day I chose.

put on my crooked face, my crooked face.

what i have become? what i have become?

What have i done to get me to this place.

Here is where I am, but is here where I'll be?

Is this the place, what you had in store for me.

Wasnt there something bigger, something more grand

was there something more suiting?

What have i become, what i have become?

What have i done to get me to this place.

Who will I become, Who will I become?

To get me out, get me out of here.

Who will I become, Who will I become

When Im done.

lovegarden

You steal someone's heart
and take it as your own.
you love it, and nourish it,
till its nearly fully grown.

Then they plant your heart
plot by plot, side by side.
Now they see yours
you can no longer hide

The sun shines brightly,
on the shadows that were made
The dark comes to light
There's no protection in the shade

Silence

So this is what it sounds like to settle

I got a sock full of seashells and I face full of wrinkles

from laughter of memories held in my chest

Gone Away

With a day old shirt, and a lipstick stain.

He left the place, and drove away.

Over valleys, over plains

To the coastline, to a new day.

The dashboard grey, reflected him

Of his past and of her sins

They weren't right, and they weren't wrong

But they weren't where he belonged.

His suitcase filled, with deadened words

From a girl he no longer understood.

Once found precious, now rang crude

He could no longer swallow them, no longer chew

Torch the suitcase, char it black.

And pray his demons never come back

He'll burn his wounds, till it forms new skin

And then there, will life begin.

blah blah blah

I'll walk until my feet fall off

I'll walk until I can go no more

As long as there's good conversation

I'll walk myself into a new day

-----------------------

I woke up this morning

with you on my mind

Remembering our fingers laced, and our words intertwined.

The trees were laughing

while the wind sang low

The sun smiled down and our pace began to slow

I laughed, and you grinned.

No words could convey

I joy I felt walking hand

and hand with you on that autumn day

Internal maintenance

selfish to selfless.

transformation needs to occur.

conscious of my actions.

wrap me in Your love.

cocoon me in Your words.

Let them make me beautiful

all for Your good.

Take me, my dead, decaying body

For it was never really mine

scrape "me" off and breathe me life

And i will work for thine

Transformation

from cripple dead to soaring life

transformation

from caterpillar to butterfly

I want a heart of gold.

heavy from the weight of the world.

I want a heart of gold.

but light because He carries me.

I want a heart of gold.

One inspired from the heavens.

I want a heart of gold.

handing out pieces to the everyone I see.

You Left Your Mark

a teeny stain that wont quite leave

that what you are to me.

maybe not a stain, a mark, a part

but you hold a place within my heart.

I wont deny

why dare lie?

the reasons I've come by

oh honey, please stop asking, why why why why whyyyy

only for a moment

the impressions were lasting

Streams of thought

Lay me down in a field, where the wild flowers grow

Where the grass whispers in my ears

and where the where my morning gown will flow, flow, flow

When I grew up, I dreamt to be a tree.

And You could collect my sap, and carve your name unto me.

I'd bear you fruit, I'd bear you shade

I'd even let you take the life i made

---------------------------------

I paint a portrait of the life, i wished to live.

And then they spent away, till the world had nothing to give.

But I selfish, and I was wrong,

I was left with nothing but a hopeless, heartless, sad sad song.

I took it all, leaving nothing to them

I didnt look back, i didnt give in

I let myself reek, the stench of the dead

And so for a time this was the unlife, I led

I became another selfish piss

mixed among the rest

I became just another selfish piss

probably one of the best

--------------------

Please. please stand straight, by my side.

I'll let my fingers be your guide.

And if you sway, even an a stride

Don't you fret, I won't let you slide

And so we walk, and so we stroll

and so we empty talk and lose control

Ill carry your head, if you carry my hand

As friends, as humans, we'll cover this land

And so we sit and so we stew,

over the lives we never knew

and over the plans that never grew

and over adventures that were so few...

And so we talk and so we chat

about the dogs, about the cats,

How little Johnny can swing a bat

And about our new "Welcome" mat

And so we linger and so we stay

And wish and wish our lives away

To go back to different day

without kids and with more youthful disarray.

And so we go

And so it flows

Off into rows and rows and rows.

The flower grows

We strike a pose

but no one knows, they know, no, no.

He spills a little gibberish

She lets him have a second kiss

and then turns to bliss bliss bliss

until its gone...miss, bliss, miss.

You're gone, oh honey you're gone.

I question what Im doing here

I question from which I came

I question why I chose this

I question not by His name

Im just another selfish piss

mixed among the rest

Im just another selfish piss

probably one of the best

I question the future we may hold

nearly everything you say

I don't rest easy, I don't rest here

I guess I wont rest today

My feet are stuck and my body's thrashing

I just want to run baby, run baby, run.

I think Ill die little inside if I stay... if I stay, if i stay this way.

Oh, my skin craves the water and sun.

Not everything is simply about boys&girls, no.

Five

I dropped the rope, its been thrown over board.

The currents strong, and you're already gone.

Cut loose the ties.

It all leads to lies.

Cause baby, in the end,

everything dies.

Find a new hand to hold.

Find a new man to mold.

Oh, baby baby, I can see that

you're already sold.

Your tastes do change, just like the leaves

You've never been easy to please.

So cut loose the ties.

It all leads to lies.

Cause baby, in the end,

everything dies.

Find a new hand to hold.

Find a new man to mold.

Oh, baby baby, I can see that

you're already sold.

I just want to lay here and think

I just want to stay here and drink

all of Your goodness in.

I could just stay here and lie

I could just play here and deny

the distance between You and me.

I hope to write again

W

The gears were turning

My eyes were blurring,

burning, baby, burning.

My hands were shakin

And my ground was quakin

mistaken, I was, mistaken

WW

You see thing thing, up in the sky?

That red little bird, fluttering by...

He holds her heart, he holds her soul, he holds the thing you never stole.

Nonsense at 2:30

V

I sipped some coffee, I sipped some tea.

I shipped all the way to the Baltic Sea.

Its not that I went on a boat you see,

I just went away, away from me.

XX

My head is pounding and my belly is churning.

My throat is aching and my ears are burning.

They speak of you and me tonight...they speak, they speak by the dampened light.

VVV

And in the dusk, we ran to the water's edge

And there is where, our lives we pledged.

To never grow, to never die, to never let our dreams fly by.

For you to wash, and I to dry, and forever keep, that twinkled eye.

XXXX

My eyes did droop.

Your hands did slide

We lost our balance,

as well as my pride.

(this is nonsensical...in a way that all makes sense)

Here's the thing...(I write in fragments)

I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up...

Rephrase that.

I have no idea, what I'll be doing.

I know some basic ideas that I would looove to have, oh say 5 years from now.

But nothing concrete. Nothing that couldn't changed, sway, or be tweeked.

Here's a list of things I know:

1)I love people, and hearing their stories and experiencing their lives.

My favorite way to learn is from the stories my dad has told me growing up.

From the stories he'd tell me of his father, and family on long rides home.

How my parents met, and how he knew right away, he couldn't let my mom get by.

Or his mother telling us stories of her life, raising 5 kids by herself for 25+ years.

The reason I want to know a person's story, is so I can know them, understand them.

Its like I get to relive a small part of their life, next to them, just for a moment.

It's selfish of me to be so involved in myself, and become deaf to the lives and stories around me.

2)I want to help...in any way I can, anywhere.

We have a calling to smear His love across the oceans, around the world.

I want to be across those oceans, helping the helpless, giving hope to the hopeless. So many of these kids have no family. No parents...no one. And then there's me, with two perfectly good ones, a sister and brother who love me to death, and completely surrounded my friends...I have to do something...But its uncertainty that cripples me. Have faith, and let his light shine through my shortcomings...it shouldn't be that hard.

3)I want to love...

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your Kingdom come"

Everything I do, with every part of me, I want to love. Love my work, my friends, my family, and God. I want to love the things I hate, and see my God in them...so I don't hate them anymore. Unless ya know...Im supposed to hate those things. haha

I want to be passionate and exhausted with my life, but in an exciting, exhilarating way...

Who knows if any of this makes sense...

Just some thoughts I've been having.

The list could go on much longer...but not for now.

I honestly don't know where God's going to lead me these next years.

I just hope Im willing and my heart is ready to hear what this big guy in the sky has to say.

So, this is me...starting again once more.

What number is this...5...6?

I've lost count.

Im not sure where this is going, or what you will be about lil' bloggie of mine.

I hope I can nurture you, and love you, and mold you into something beautiful...

or just another way to get my thoughts outta this jumbled brain of mine.

Cheers darling.

Parting words...

Buried Treasure

Open up your treasure chest
and let me take a peek.
Gaze upon your twinkling gems
and see what I can sneak.

I'd reach right in and grab
a piece you're willing to lend
though i know some jewels are broken
and not so simple to mend

You can open up my treasure chest
and choose whatever you might adore
I'd let you pick away me gems
Till I had nothing more